BY CHOOKY.

thanks mary for letting me use a bit of your precious blog so that i can vent til i die.
and so here goes ...

the past three years of my life has been thee biggest mess - combination of denial, waiting, wishing, hoping, make believing, hurting, learning and yet making the same mistakes time and time again, wasting time etc etc .. basically living in a fantasy world thinking "one day, maybe just maybe" to be completely honest im FUCKING sick of all the nights laying in my bed crying til my throat hurts and thinking "okay .. no more i have to end this NOW" while fully knowing that i'll be back for more. But in the name of honesty - no matter how hard i try to move on, he's like a drug for me. It's funny how much affect one little person can have on your life - one minute they make you feel on top of the world and lifes just so good, the next minute your wishing you were standing on the edge of a cliff ready to dive head first into the water below. For the longest time i've been waiting for someone to pull me out of my misery, someone to save me, someone to give me my life back, but as time goes on i realize theres only so much your mates can do for you, ultimatly it's up to me to make a change - so here i go trying to make my life easier - got myself back into uni, got my licence, got my car, got my beautiful bunch of girls NO DRAMAS. But as good as things were one stupid little day had to go and make me feel asif none of this stuff mattered anymore - it's weird how i let the one thing i don't have make everything that i do have seem so insignificant, it's weird how seeing him & her together makes me feel like someones got a knife and stuck it deeply but ever so slowly into my heart, it's weird that im so attached to someone who doesnt even care, it's weird that im more than willing to let him take what he wants, when he wants for me .. IT'S JUST SO FUCKING WEIRD. Im sick of this whole routine ive put myself in, this routine that im so used to and so scared of getting out of, i dont even know what to say about it sometimes i've seriously worn myself out to the point where theres just no words anymore, just endless tears and the same old conversation with my girls that im more than positive they're sick of. Loves a fuckwit, after im over this one (assuming i do get over it) - fuck it, i would never .. EVER open my heart up again - fuck taking risks, fuck taking chances - this hearts closed for good. Not everyone gets there happy endings, they just settle for the next best thing - or nothing at all. I think im an all or nothing type girl, if i can't have HIM the way i want him, then i don't want him or anyone else at all, that may sound selfish or whatever but i just don't want anything else, i don't see myself wanting anything else. People complain that its hard to be in a relationship - hard to maintain and all that shit, you rekon being alone is so much easier? .. well it's not - the freedom is bullshit, just a distraction in my opinion. I think some people are just destined to be alone and broken hearted for the rest of their lives, (shit im sure theres heaps of people out there) - but that doesnt have to be a bad thing right?

He'll always have my heart, even if he doesnt want it.
They say the hearts a terrible thing to waste - consider mine wasted.